I was sitting here tonight, trying to keep myself safe, because the urges have been strong tonight, writing and reading poetry, when all of a sudden I had an epiphany (at least, it felt that way).
All night I have been caught in the crossfire between the rational and irrational sides of me, wondering how I can make the incessant desire to kill myself disappear. I started with music, with music blaring in my ears, I wouldn’t hear the thoughts, right? Wrong.
Next I messaged the friends I knew were most likely to still be up at this time of night. After no response, I turned to the fridge for help, more specifically, the alcohol in the fridge (I rationalized by telling myself I wouldnt take my meds tonight, because I know not to mix the two).
None of it seems very rational, does it?
With a couple beers less in the fridge, I turned to the next thing that usually helps let the thoughts pass on, writing. Two unpublished, and one published poems later, I started to feel a little better.
Where is the epiphany, you ask? Well, after posting the latest poem, I started reading other blogs. It turns out, I’m not the only one feeling this way at the moment, so I left some comments of encouragement – things I would like someone to say to me, when I am like this. The epiphany came afer receiving replies, advising I had helped them feel better. The thoughts disappeared instantly, and all of a sudden, the last eight years flashed through my mind, and I realised helping someone else always gets me out the other side.
Let’s hope I don’t have to rely on that realisation too often.