Buckle Up


It is day 14 on the new meds, and I have a whole new level of compassion for animals shot with tranquiliser darts.

Today is the first day I have had real trouble making my muscles move. I would be more than happy to sit in a corner and stare at the wall. This is a state of being I do not enjoy, and I do not like. Part of me is rebelling. Part of me knows the rebellion will be short-lived. The knowledge does not bring comfort.

There is also anxiety rising.

People who don’t know the old me, who have only seen the confident, competent me, are seeing my weakness, and it is making me uncomfortable. It won’t be long before excuses are made to avoid contact, and distance themselves from me. It is already happening. There is nothing I can do about it.

I feel beaten. I feel like I have lost the battle. I feel like the last 3 years of growth, the 7 years of intensive work before that, and the 20 years of work before that, have all been for nought. I may as well be right back at the beginning of the process. I hope the feeling passes, or I may end up right where I was 15 days ago, that led to me being here.

As always, it is a never-ending cycle.

I am tired. I still have no reserves to draw on. I have no one who has any real understanding of where I am at, or what it is I need. Yes, I have people who care, but for the most part they are still saying “just get over it” in the back of their minds and under their breath. If only I could. I would give anything to get over this instantly and permanently.

Instead, I have to meet me where I am at, hold my own hand, and walk beside myself to either the other side of this, or to the end. I don’t know what the final outcome will be, all I know is that I need to buckle up and hold on as tight as I can, because it is still a rough road ahead.

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