He won

He won!

I don’t have any one to talk to that is going to understand this, so I will have to write it because if I don’t get it out somehow it is going to kill me.

He won.

He wasn’t a dumbass – I think he knew exactly what he was doing and what the outcome would be. Unfortunately, the dumbass is me, for taking so long to realise what his death means.

In many ways, and probably all the ones that count, I am now in a worse place than I was two years ago.

Back then, if I had a bad day, if I suffered from anxiety, depression, panic or whatever, it was my problem and my fault. (Just another day in Hell).

Then, for the last two years, I have been surrounded by people wanting to know how I am, saying they care about me, and telling me how brave I am and how strong I am.

Now, of course, Dad is dead, and with him died the court case – and it would seem that most people think that all of my problems relating to what happened to me died with him. “It’s all over now.”

Well, no, it’s not all over.

Now, not only am I some crazy bitch with a temper and mood swings and God knows what else, because now many people believe that I am the cause of my father’s death.

People still don’t know what he did to me. People still don’t know all of the ways it has affected me. But apparently none of that matters now because he’s dead.

If it was so easy to stop being affected by what happened, don’t you think I would have hit that switch long ago?

So, now I guess it goes back to being my problem, my fault, and all in my head. Now it means I am stuck in ‘No Man’s Land’ – I can’t grieve for my father because people don’t understand that even though he did terrible things to me he was still my father. I can’t talk about what happened because nobody knows or wants to know – and it doesn’t matter now, does it? I can’t have anxiety, a panic attack or depression because the cause of my problem is dead.  At least two years ago I could go through all of these things and I was just ‘crazy’ because no-one knew why I was like that.

I guess that means the last two years have been a complete waste of time.

And, I guess that means Dad won.

4 responses to “He won

  1. NO….he did not win! He is dead and you are very much alive. You have the rest of your life to live and there is NO going back for your Dad.

    You can choose to look at it one of two ways. He was a coward who couldn’t face the music so he took his own life to spare himself or…he had a tiny shred of decency. He realized how much he had already made you suffer and just couldn’t put you through the ordeal of a trial where you would have to rehash the past and the grief of it all over again. I don’t know and I’m not so sure you do either.

    I do know that when people die, society in general has a tendency to elevate them or put them on a pedestal because they don’t want to speak ill of the dead. This concept is very diificult to deal with especially if you have been a victim of abuse by that deceased person. Death does not erase the wrongdoings of any individual nor does it make the memories go away. In essence, in death I believe they must face it all and atone for their wrongdoings. Your father is no exception. He may have taken away your day in court but that is all….he did NOT win. You did…you have your lovely daughter by your side to prove it. He doesn’t!
    Take gentle care! Hugs from a friend!

    • Thank you Dolores. Deep down I know he didn’t win (I don’t think anyone did, or could have no matter what the outcome).

      There has been a lot of fallout and backlash from his brothers, sister and friends and I have just been trying to get through it the best way I can.

      Interestingly, after the initial shock of the news of his death, I did wonder if part of the reason for his actions was to spare me and although he has given me the gift of not having to stand in front of a room full of strangers and tell them the details of what he did, from all of the information I have received about the events of the few days leading up to his death it would seem that his desire for revenge (something that was with him since he was a child) played a very big part in it.

      You are right about society elevating the dead or putting them on a pedestal – that is exactly what his family is doing. I hadn’t thought of that but it is true.

      For a while I lost sight of the positives that have come out of the last two years, but if I can focus on them and my hope to one day help others then I know I will get through this.

      Thank you so much.

  2. You don’t know me. I just stumbled across this particular piece today. And your words…they resonate with me. You’re alive, you’re working to heal–seems like you’re the clear winner to me. Your life and how you live it has to make sense to you, not to anybody else. I think you’re going to come through this.

  3. Madeleine McLaughlin

    I don’t think it’s a question of winners. Just living a good life with close relationships make you a winner. It’s that you went through a lot and were brave enough to sort your way through it. Besides, sometimes the courts don’t do the right thing. Your father is now getting his judgement from God.

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